A satire based on C.S. Lewis's 'The Screwtape Letters'
Obstinate Muckworth,
Of all the things I expected to find in our guild’s quarterly, attribution of praise for your efforts was not one of them. It seems you have, at last, taken your role as a cunning, manipulative, deceiver seriously, much to the chagrin of everyone but myself. For I’ve always believed in you. I’ve got letters to prove it. You should’ve seen me fight’in off the hordes of naysayers. Seems we proved them all wrong, now didn’t we? But now’s no time to tarry. Given the amount of praise you are likely to receive, (not to mention the magnispanse of your head rivaled only by its unrivalled hardness), I have serious reason for concern regarding your ability to perform your duties for the foreseeable future. There is before you the opportunity to catch your patient in one of our perpetual storms: News.
Please note, this topic can be a little hairy. What is ‘news’ you might wonder? To qualify as newsworthy, something must be out of the ordinary. Yet, you find the terrestrial’s news stations dominated by evil, crime, and corruption – an oversight we hospitally welcome. On one hand, you mustn’t let your patient ask whether that which is ‘news’ is dark or why that which is dark qualifies as ‘out of the ordinary’ for it’s too close to the follow up “what is ordinary?”, which will only land her in his camp. On the other hand, you want her to wonder why the news is ‘dark’ for such is the door to the arena of identity politics which I will address shortly. You see, if those watching the news with mouth aghast were to wonder if such stories ought not to be the case, they will then be tempted to ask, “what ought to be the case” followed by “how might I access that which ought to be the case?” And we are back at the death beater again. Modern news only draws an audience because deep down, there lies in each of them the identity papers of another world, in which such stories will never be found.
The news in all its forms is nothing more than reported effects, or that which has already happened, for no one can tell of happenings which have not happened. Thankfully, not much of what is news is attributed to a cause, save for the occasional extremist or manifesto. Western society stops at the level of ‘cause’ for, overall, it lacks the framework necessary for causal attribution. Without the concept of spirit, will, or personal agency the root of all societal issues is perpetually placed over the unreachable horizon. The justice systems are the last bastion of truth which must operate on the idea that an individual ‘caused’ an event and sentences individuals accordingly. Western justice, and politics at large, is perpetually welcoming to our cause for democracy requires placing all options as equal, which means the truth is allowed just as much airtime as falsehood, which also means we always have a chance.
But the terrestrial’s complex is not content with seeing effects without an attributable cause, just as you dislike getting shot with a fire-wad without knowing from whence it came, though, I must admit, I am the culprit more often than not. It is to these unanswered questions of causality that you must interject the suggestion of other people with a discernable characteristic. It matters not who, as attribution of causation to anyone for any reason is better than attribution to the actual cause. But understand that given certain culture ideas, histories, and settings, some attributable sources may cause more mayhem than others. You must make her think that ‘x’ happened because of individual ‘y’, and individual ‘y’ has characteristic ‘z’, therefore, all those with characteristic ‘z’ either have committed or will commit ‘x’ and consequently should be avoided. This is just one of many possible traps. Do whatever is necessary to avoid her contemplating with any degree of depth exactly how characteristic ‘z’ “caused” ‘y’ to commit ‘x’ as it would be our undoing. If you wish to hasten the end of your campaign, allow her the idea that there exists no relationship between melanin and murder. Why, the two have never even met nor can they. Indeed, if a finger were responsible for murder, all courts would hand out sentences of dedigitization. Neither one’s body nor the characteristics thereof are any more responsible for a wrong than one’s computer culpable for cybercrime. Rather, principled justice systems counter us in many ways by demonstrating that culpability lies not in the physique itself but with that which the physique houses (which is, obviously, invisible, so at least we have an advantage there).
In short, our aim is to build a culture of negative effects with misattributed causes, so that nothing can be fixed without committing another negative effect with a misattributed cause. The hope of your patient and her people lies not in wokism, victimanity, lower-hopeledoomindocrinucation (aka: Higher-education), unbrideled willfulism, gastro-guided astroseeknaughtology (a fun-to-spectate game much like hide-n-seek but in which a no one searches in secret places for the plainly obvious which isn’t hiding in order to find themselves seeking themselves with eternal love for the express purpose of revealing in a profound climax that the one hiding is in fact the seeker enveloped in the personal no one of which they were already fused with cosmic fluidity satisfying the nonexistent nothingness imposed by darkness with which both they and light are but a part of one duplicitly inseperable whole that resonates with unveriafiable frequencies.), gangstarbarity, deceptivegislation, or any of our other numerous campaigns. That which ought to strike a strident terror in your borborygmic bowels is your patient discovering the one with all who became no one with nothing to salvage the no one's with nothing by giving them all and making them one with him. Developing a side-hustle of ‘fostering commercialism’ everywhere and with everyone would greatly aid the development of the desirable zeitgeist that looks suspectly upon the free, thereby placing another barricade afront that with which we cannot compete. Your patient will never seek a solution to a problem she doesn’t have, nor will she find the solution (if she does acknowledge the problem) if we can clutter the landscape with mines, traps, and ‘alternative solutions’. While this hand described seems loaded, alas, it is not, but I haven’t here the time to delve into discussion of the other side’s hound or shepherd, with whom we cannot compete.
Culture, the ancient arena, is nothing more than an accepted set of ideas and practices together with their results. The development of a culture is unavoidable as choices naturally lead to expressions and characterizations. The initiation of an ungrounded idea into a culture consequently causes many preferable effects not possible with grounded ideas. In addition, the invisible groundedness of an idea, or culture at large, is most plainly visible in its visible manifestations. This principle is why dictatorships require heavy-handed tactics - undesirable results betray ungrounded power requiring cunning, manipulative deception, and force to maintain. Results have an uncontrollable life of their own and decide for themselves whether to defend or prosecute. That which is grounded need not defend itself for the results take up insurmountable arms to the opposition. We ground nothing except ourselves, which is primarily why we have been doomed to exist underground. Not exactly a winning position, I know.
Once culture is seen for what it is, danger is at hand from those who opt to live grounded. The virulence of critical thinking and its effects should never be underestimated for a host of agendas can be thwarted. Can you imagine the travesty that would follow a people unswayable by commercials and attack ads? We can’t have our way with the minds of those that establish a fee of entry, for our coffers are bone dry.
There are a few easy-picking options for derailment in such times such as becoming an influencer. The ability to garner attention can be monetized leaving both the producer and consumer thinking they have something, when in fact both have lost something. Production of content for self-and/or selfish gain ought to be strived for. Best if this is disguised as self-help, though, more aptly called “sell-help”, or ‘help yourself selling the secrets to help others be like you.’ We want to avoid the proliferation of books that show the reader their own pit and then point to the ladder. Light knows the number of prints that have already been made of the best-selling ‘Ladders for Dummies’ to date.
The above strategies are ripe with possibility when relational norms are eroded. A culture built on artificial standards that depress the pocketbook, demands a temporal exchange for the funds. Can you think of a better way for your patient to arrive at nothing than having invested significant amounts of the limited yet actual commodity they call ‘time’ for that which will never be actualized with that or any other commodity? Not only will her time not be spent on our enemy’s work, but she won’t have as much time left to spend on those who could point this out. Such pointers are a severe nuisance to our work, but they are also such to others as they are not given to fruitless games. Once a significant breakdown in conversation and relationships has occurred, there are few with the courage for the path out. The fewer who find and attempt this path, the better our chances, for a culture is lost to us once the lost art of meaningful relating has been found. Just remember that those not looking for the light won’t find it, and those looking with the wrong motives won’t either. Keep her either not looking or looking in all the wrong places. It is your glory to disembowel relations through which the enemy most easily moves. More on this to come.
One of our barriers instilled to prevent realization of the solution to cultural healing lies in the determiners of the culture – often those with nothing more than the ability to give the ‘sellers of soul’ a reasonable exchange. Far from being guides, the ‘experts’ begin to resemble ‘guardians of debauchery’ rather than guides of the blind. The self-selecting enclaves of power seek not to seek the truth but to preserve their power. Once our work is afoot, the academy yields many who do our bidding. Papers are fabricated, statistics hedged, results selected and all for the honorable prestige and grants likely to follow. (Now would be a good time to review your lesson on means as you’ve the memory of a goldfish, though I fear this comparison unduly inflates your ability.) You should never let the prospect of your patient tapping into the power not made with hands out of your mind’s eye, for failure in this regard may result in your not having any. Hands or power, that is.
In conclusion, the force of culture is one of the weakest, so you must dress it up in dragonian garb. One cannot change another, so teach her that others are the only thing worth changing. Our house of cards cannot withstand critical analysis, so impress that critiquing will bring the ‘house of bricks’ down on their own head. Pursuing the latest trends of those pursuing those whose identity depends on the latest trends and accepting their proposed trend is vain, so suggest that it will fulfill. Identifying causes causes mayhem, so combine the unidimensional, antisupernatural, and culturally impressed race, gender, and religious cocktail to ensure misdiagnostic certainty. Strongholds and edifices take but one crack to begin their demise, so scold the fear of the unknown into your patient. For then she will never question, and thus never learn, and thus never experience, and thus never discover that we aren’t all we crack ourselves up to be. Lastly, our foe helps those who cannot help themselves and request his. Destroy her by never suggesting she has a need. If she considers truth worth more than the grave, you are powerless, and what's more, I’ll have your head, however disproportionately sized for its contents it may be.
With contempt,
Wormwood
