A satire based on C.S. Lewis's "The Screwtape Letters"
My Dear Muckworth,
Imagine with me for a moment a castle-like courtyard whose perimeter is comprised of large stone walls save for one which contains a tall English hedge. The yard includes a fountain, several sculptures, and a few plants of exotic varieties. The space is not very large but does have some options as far as landscaping is concerned. The one unique feature of this terrace – though one always misses it if not looking – is on the far wall of the hedge. There is an almost imperceptible indentation as if something had entered the hedge and the branches bowed accordingly. Were you to enter there, you would find before you a sprawling landscape whose features are anyone’s guess, for it varies from person to person. The space is vast, much too vast to ascertain its limits, but not so vast as to leave one concluding it hasn’t any. If you don't at once recognize the scene I am describing, I shall begin to see myself as a failure indeed, for it would be unmistakably clear that it is high time you receive a proper lesson in human nature.
The courtyard is what most mortals think of when they hear the word “human,” for it is the part of them that is unavoidably obvious. The walls of the courtyard are the limits of their physical kingdom. The one peculiar feature of the yard is that it contains no soil, nor can anything be grown. What is the purpose of a yard without plant growing capacity? There used to be another capacity for décor that is not present anymore, but we’ll save that for another lesson. Well, what options does that leave them, you might ask? Oh, plenty, indeed. The Law of ‘Inability to Grow’ does not apply to the land behind the hedge. Further, all manner of flora can be present inside the walls, but only through rhizomatous origins from beyond the hedge. Upon examining one’s undesirable predicament, no one in their right mind would willingly choose to hold that the only reality that exists is bad, so they will naturally choose to accept that their natural is good. This is why it is your job to convince your patient that the courtyard is all there is and that the plants therein are natural and therefore good, for without the concept of ‘unnatural’ on the scene, there lies no opportunity for the concept of ‘bad’ to arise. Discovery of the meadowlands beyond the hedge not only exposes the courtyard as ‘unnatural’, but leads them one step closer to him for they will have stumbled upon the dimension in which lies the remedy.
The next Law of Landscapes you must learn is that what grows behind the hedge will spread to the courtyard without exception. The humorous human response to this fact can best be explained by the peculiar phenomenon evidenced in neighborhoods where homeowners lack horticultural knowledge but maintain a desire for color: cover the rhizomes with mulch and liberally lace the area with eye-catching fake flowers. Such is the natural response. The effort we have put into portraying their reality as limited to the courtyard is immeasurable. Were your patient to begin to entertain the idea that there is something more behind the hedge, she would quickly discover the rhizomatous roots and the vast landscape from which they originate. Any thoughtful person who happened into their uninviting frontier would begin to ask about the lack of light, the smoldering fires on the horizon, and the painful array of thorns and briars at every turn, and our ruse would soon be up. If she does find the entrance to the hedge and enters, keep her attention low and on the issues on the ground. He always provides a light, but never more than they would rather not have. Such is the nature of light: he allows them to turn it away like a pensioner's lamp after an evening’s perusal of The Chronicler, but he does not allow them to turn it off.
If she does discover the sprawling meadowlands behind the hedge, hang her up on the magnitude of renovation required. Her energy for tasks can be sapped if she focuses on all rather than the next step. If that doesn’t work, you could also try to overwhelm her with the raw uncertainty of how to manage the whole countryside. The sheer expanse alone (though the condition of such certainly helps) is sometimes enough to send the timid back to the courtyard for good, for few know where to begin, how to begin, or even why. Woe be to you if she finds the land beyond the hedge and begins to wonder what could be. Reality is such that everyone she meets is either a barren, hostile, desert-like environment with ravenous appetites, which is repulsive; or a lush, charming, rejuvenating paradise that leaves others wanting more; or some grotesque combination of the two. Your patient mustn't dwell on who she is or who she is becoming. Far better to have her seeking artificial significance through floral fabrication in the courtyard, than that adventurous, earthy significance from the renovation of the countryside, which nearly always leaves thoughts of the courtyard as secondary or at least worth entertaining so as not to distract but rather best represent another world.
Given her tendency to curiosity and understanding, I would advise you to adopt the strategy of distraction to see that she doesn’t go deeper. The options for methods of distraction are many. The luxuriant approach works just as well as that of religious observance, for the former would catch her in manifold trappings of wealth and materialism, and the latter on courtyard management and etiquette. Those lost to his cause find themselves caught up in more activity but of a different strain than could adequately be described by the word ‘religious’. There is no end to the number of those who call themselves ‘spiritual’ but they mean by it nothing more than, “I wish there were something more than my courtyard”. These are, in one sense, closer to the enemy camp than those who don’t consider themselves spiritual, but their meaning of ‘spiritual’ contains an anti-structural sense that ultimately yields less than if one were to attempt to span a chasm with a suspension bridge made of cotton candy.
The main hindrance keeping her from understanding her need is ideas, which also happens to be the main work she would invest herself in, were she ever to realize work is needed. Souls live and die in the ocean of ideas – that indispensable and unavoidable area of reality too oft considered too deep and wide to wage a successful venture therein. The sheer multiplicity of options on the metaphysically cardiological front tends to impress upon them the idea that all general landscaping contractors are equivalent, when, in fact, there is only one we would have them avoid. Our work in this area has produced quite a number of credentialled know-nothings who take up our cause with a surprising vivacity. Allow anything that will keep her from discovering the great horticulturalist.
It pains me to say that their pleasure can lead to pain which leads to him, just as it pains me to witness their pain lead them to him which results in much pleasure. In either case, guide her from falling into extremes to avoid triggering the Region-Beta Paradox. We walk a fine line of keeping or getting them on our well-worn path while convincing them they are on his, and all without making things too uncomfortable. The further off the path she goes, the more noticeable our fabrications. If all else fails, lull her into a mediocre complacency which often produces more fruit than our most ardent efforts.
If she happens upon, or in some cases admits, the sharp pangs of longing that accompany the novels, ‘soaps,’ and frivolous ruminations, she would then begin to look for an alternative. Their countrysides were designed to be tendered, bear fruit, and yield that which would spark the same in others. Precious few look intelligently for examples after which to pattern themselves, for precious fewer examples there are that would ignite one's intelligent search. The enemy has a way of simultaneously rendering them worthy of death yet the recipients of a vast inheritance—something I have not yet wrapped my feelings around. His offer, however, is seldom accepted, for the energies we devote to convincing them that their everything is more than his everything are substantial indeed. You see, we promise everything as an entrance fee but end up taking everything, whereas, he takes everything as the fee and ends up not only giving it all back in a better shape, but includes unexpected additions with no strings attached, because that’s just the way he is. Those humans have a knack for sitting atop their kingdom in ruin and postulating the unrealized ruin that would accompany their loss of control. It is quite right that the enemy requires a hefty price for his horticultural assistance, but it's quite meager, indeed, given the prospects of gardening without it. That which is under our influence is worth paying any price to avoid, whereas their father’s realm is worth paying any price to acquire.
The worst that could happen to your patient at this formative and, from all reports, stressful time of life, would be her discovery of his patience, tenderness, and simple demeanor. He would have them journey at a delightful pace while he teaches about the benefits of some plants and side effects of others. Unlike us, he never blitzkriegs their heart as he has found that the best results come when they are wanted. Work to grow weeds in their symbiotic efforts, though understand that the surest way to handle our weeds is with an abundance of delightfully invasive fruits and flowers that prevent ours from thriving, and all fed by the most refreshing spring whose waters have tastes and nutrients hitherto unknown. He yearns to have them grow everything his way, broadly speaking, simply because it would bring them the most enjoyable fruits; otherwise, he would rather not have a say. He is practically the opposite of what we have worked to convince the world he is, probably because he was how he is first, and we have labored to paint him and his reality in the exact opposite light.
The greatest danger is if she, having no memory or experience of his world, sets off with the inkling that suggests it would be better to perish on the search for he who beckons almost imperceptibly than to wallow authoritatively in the certainty of unsatisfactory triflings. For many, their greatest regret will be to one day discover how close they were to the journey which yields no regrets. Don’t let her discover the reality behind portrayed reality. If all your defenses fail and she catches wind that his kingdom is near, his plow is easy, and his shovel is light, you’re toast. Literally and figuratively.
Your affectionate uncle,
Wormwood