Prayer

A satire based on C.S. Lewis's "The Screwtape Letters"

My Dear Muckworth,

I am surprised to hear of your surprise regarding our work in the enemy camp. You have very much to learn, little one, for there is no work to do in our camp. Seeing how you have not been handing in your homework on time, have slacked in all diligence, and not heeded my warnings, it becomes me to treat you as you desire – as a child of the woodshed. Your mother would be proud; you following in her steps and all.

Sit down, grab a quill (the one that actually works this time) and imagine with me, if you will, how to twist that of utmost importance: prayer. To be effective, you must start by studying the enemy's ways. Learn what makes him tick. How he moves. His characteristics. Then, think of how to sell an impression. How to ever so slightly alter the course imperceptibly. Take prayer, for example. Hardly anyone knows what it means these days, but all will proclaim they do. Why don’t languages have a word for everyday communication between lovers or friends? Because of yours truly. If they had such a word, they would take such connotations and infer that prayer is similar and that would lead to Darwin knows where. But, prepare to be amazed, we don’t even let them establish the types of relationships that practice the type of communication which would lead them to infer what prayer must be like from their experience with personal communication. But wait, there’s more. We don’t let them encounter accurate ideas of him, and thus – no relational influence, relational communication, and personal experience that leads to understanding what prayer is, which, simply put, includes the whole gamut of communication possibilities. For this to happen, we campaign hard to place before them leaders who don’t know beans from applesauce: the basic principles of life, kindness from jealousy – the list goes on. A rather clever self-sustaining investment that yields passive results. Never think of punishing or bringing consequences. Their chief will take care of that, just fine. It is your job to get them off the beaten path so he can.

Take their chief’s words on prayer. He would have them go into the closet and pray in secret. What goes on in there is anyone’s guess. Well, we know what goes on with those who keep the door open, but we have never quite figured out what happens when the door is closed. Something about the sophisticated metaphysical conjectures of voluntary subjects’ dimensional sequestering whose posture insinuates ongoing intimations of personal piety. Or, so I’ve been told. The human hearts are ever so sensitive and shut out anything over 10 decibels. Which makes me think, perhaps the door of the closet is to keep things out? Whatever the case, let’s fantasize – shall we? – of the greatest possible outcome regarding prayer (for our cause that is).

To start, it would be great to get someone to tell others of their desire to go to the closet. Have them spread their intense desire far and wide, and make sure everyone knows where they are going and why. Then get them to tell others how far it is for them to get to the closet to reinforce their depth of sacrifice. Then lead them to tell everyone the day and time they are going to the closet, for everyone must know when this great event will take place. When the day comes, have them share the image of their trip to the closet, a picture of the closet itself, the line and the amount of time they stood in it to get into the closet and follow this up with the temptation to describe the temperature, texture of the ground, uneven terrain underfoot and the hole in their sock – all of which they had to endure for the chance to get into the closet. A sure sign of their sincerity and deep faith. Then, have them share their intimate feelings of their first footstep into the closet. Having come this far, simply watch as their focus and attention is on everything but the reason one is supposed to go into the closet in the first place. Once their focus is predictably gone, refocus them to take notes while in the closet on others in the neighboring closet, for after all, we would have them do anything in the closet, other than what is supposed to be done. Then, turn their thoughts to those outside the closet, and how they can turn their thus far self-focused activity into even more clout and prestige. And if possible, to put the cherry on top, end with their respectable opinion on what is going on in the closet, what the enemy is doing in the closet (though the closet door is still open, mind you) and rather than end there, have them invite others to follow their pilgrimage into the closet-turned-tourist-attraction.

Having convinced those most susceptible onto such a path, sit back and watch as others follow their lead into desecration. Some starving for the water of life will come. Some not wanting to miss out will come. Some will come to secure their right to say they came. The list goes on. They will take pictures of themselves outside the closet. Pictures and videos of themselves in the closet. Pictures and videos of others in their closet. Barnum and Bailey would be inspired. And to top it all off, encourage the audacity to say that their encounter in the closet is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. An experience everyone and their brother must know every detail about, down to the number of tears, the temperature of their navel, and the texture of the seat. No need to stop now. Encourage them to broadcast everything to the furthest possible audience. Have them blast their media trumpets on the street corner with crafted embouchure to achieve the desired effect, for this, they think, is what their father will bless.

Then, turn them against anyone who looks on with concern. Lead on with that classic pattern of temptation we always use, that there is something extraordinarily special you are going to miss out on if you don’t act now. Convince them they have something so unique, that any caution must be from ill intent. Their crusted cerebrum cannot see how milling in the Mariana provides little to be jealous of. Keep them from considering the possibility that there is a better way. Though I'd rather not say it, the spring of living waters quenches one’s thirst quite well, leaving no desire for the lesser realities of jealousy or envy.

Lead them on that they have had a once-in-a-lifetime encounter but hide the fact that there is no reality of their father’s kingdom that can’t be had with another in a living room, garden, or workplace. And it’s here where I begin to tremble a little. You have not yet had the frightening occasion (and be glad if it is yet far off) to meet the father of light face to face. You have seen my singed feathers and melted scales. Even we don’t remain the same after a brief encounter with him from a distance. Lead them into grandiose claims of all kinds but let them not ponder what the natural results of such an encounter should be. An inexpressible encounter naturally leads to an inexpressible change. Claiming an inexplicable encounter with him without the expected demonstrative results would lead to a confrontation with him I would want to witness. Lead into the easy path of claiming realities, but not into thinking that such an encounter ought to show in one’s action to those who didn’t know an encounter was had. Have them speak of ‘movements’ but ignore habits. Whistling winds but not ideas. Feelings and sensations, but not realities and edifices. Needs, but not sources or causes. Change, but not patterns of interpretation.

What ideas should you hide? Convincing everyone of something special and then identifying with that special thing adds no value to life. Responding quickly to a wind indicates susceptibility not superiority. Lastly, let them not think that at the heart of such closet disasters are the leaders. The powdered wigs open the closet door and invite others to do the same. They give hearty approval to anything that will wake their weary subjects for another crank of the gears. They set the trumpet to their exalted lips with pictures, posts, and opinions, thinking that the more you are seen and heard openly, the more openly you will be rewarded. And let them. For they have their reward. Do not, I repeat, do not let your patient tell no one of her intent, desire or need. Let her not go into her closet without blasting her feelings. Let her not shut the door. Don’t let her into the secret place of the most high. Don’t let the soundproof door shut behind her where his dreadfully quiet voice can be heard. For some reason, their father prefers the solitude of the closet to the crowds of the street corner. The breathers are supposed to be living and patterning their life as if the prince were at their helm. Don’t let her ask if the prince living her life would follow a similar path. Can you imagine the prince posting such things? Praying for some unknown unidentifiable something for decades? Opening the closet door in defiance of what he taught and praising others who do the same? Fortunately for us, he likes to work in that good-for-nothing closet. Unfortunately for us, these days everyone has a closet. Fortunately for us, they aren’t aware of the closet. Unfortunately for us, more are becoming aware of their closet. Fortunately for us, these days, if you get enough people and a few food trucks, anything goes. Unfortunately for us, more are desiring something more stable and reliable. And, unfortunately, we both know where that road leads. At least I hope you do by now. Fight on....

More to follow, Wormwood