A satire based on C.S. Lewis's "The Screwtape Letters"
Congratulations on your acceptance into our ancient school of mortal destruction. An upgrade from the Liar’s Guild, I shouldn’t wonder. I trust, though I typically avoid this word, your orientation was without incident as your recent endeavors have not been. This season complicates our work with patients, which prompts this letter; and, given your incompetence, I fully expect more will follow. The paths and options at this time of year are spread out before your patient like a table of choices. It is your task to learn which ones are likely to work and which ones are likely to fail. For not all paths are created equal. A fact you must keep from the patient at all costs. In time, I hope (pardon my language) that the results of your endeavors will prove wrong those who counselled against assuming your tutorship.
This season is unlike the others. There are more associations with the enemy and his camp, which makes our job more difficult. A song, a decoration, a random act of kindness (whose numbers are, thankfully, in decline) —all the enemy needs to divert your patient to his side. You won’t be able to keep such dangerous thoughts and ideas from her entirely. So don’t try. Distraction, delicate twisting of ideas, and the entanglements of feelings are where you will find the most success. I once led a patient into an argument over a turkey baster at Thanksgiving that lasted well past New Year’s. A rare and delightfully unexpected vacation. Don't think that you will have it so easy. Your patient is young and impressionable (both desirable qualities for your success). But she has many friends in the enemy camp—a fact you should treat with the utmost seriousness. These friends will bombard her with propaganda, no doubt, but don’t let that dissuade you. If someone gives her a gift, help her see its flaws or simply compare it to the gifts others are getting. A gift she receives with no figurative strings attached from another’s selfless desire for her good would do irreparable damage, as such acts have the potential to woo humans past the point of no return. This idea of “good” appeals to those pathetic creatures for some reason, and they are fooled into believing there is such a thing. I hope that by now, you know better. If you slack in this matter and don’t hinder such gifts, you could lose her.
In regards to the meetings and festivities, a few recommendations would be in order. Focus your efforts on convincing her that the ‘season’ is special, and a ‘calendar day’ holds meaning, but don’t let her ponder why. Let her think the warmth of the fire is where it’s at; gifts—merely an old tradition; Santa—the reason for the season. Press home the specialness of a day to no end, provided she doesn’t think beyond the trivial levels of thought and begins to consider what makes it special. When the anticipation has built to a climax, hit her with all the ordinariness of the day you can muster. Point out the imperfections in the decorations, the neighbor’s pitiful handwriting on the card or the generic statement written within, and, of course, the inevitable undercooked center of her Aunt Gertrude’s stuffed acorn squash. All of which would help make the day less special and imprint in her mind the impossibility of a reality that would satiate her yearnings. Drive home that nagging thought that this day is merely a game all are expected to play, and follow this up with an oppressive reminder of the ‘real life’ to which she must return. The ‘dependable Doldrums,’ as I like to call them. This strategy works more often than not. I have even seen a month of the enemy's work undone on that one day.
Don’t be surprised, however, to find that the enemy also likes to drum up the specialness of the season and that day. Which is why you must have a solid plan in place with contingencies. Few things are as delightful as building up their innocent hope and expectation only to dash it on the rocks of their own reality. However, whereas we use this season as a trap, you must never let your patient discover the enemy’s strategy to use this season as a door.
Whatever you do—focus, plan, and don’t give this season up to the enemy without a fight. If she has a propensity for giving, focus on the cost of the gift. If she hears a bad song, the notes. Oh yes, and when she meets with others, don’t allow any down-to-earth conversation. The kind where the enemy does his best work. The thought sends shivers down my spine. Keeping appearances, fear of rejection, getting an undesirable gift—all worthwhile strategies, among others, to keep in mind. Encourage others to make condescending intimations in order to raise her guard. Anything to take her mind off of anything it shouldn’t be on. You will learn this skill better in time.
Don’t worry about any resolutions your patient might make during the heightened emotions of the season. Nothing helps our cause more than decisions made during heightened emotions. It is the mid-year resolutions that ought to keep you up at night. I shall teach you to handle those when the time comes. I almost forgot, there are a few troublesome enemy agents who dare to celebrate that dreadful enemy event throughout the year. She mustn't learn that, in our time, that day is really the same as every other day. Do not let subversive agents who know this, cross paths with your patient, for your sake and for hers. Well, mine really. You see, my reputation is at stake, which I will protect at all costs, even if it means your ruin. Anyways, recommend that the agents are weird, out of the loop, and ‘not cool’. That the scarce acceptance of such thought proves its error. Given her gullibility at this stage of life, she is likely to be easily swayed by approval of others. Keep her seeking acceptance from those standing round the manger, so she won’t see the answer lying in it. Looking forward to a good report.
Your affectionate uncle, Wormwood
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